From the first neanderthal that peed in the corner of the rockiest cave to proclaim it his own, to George Jetson buying his family the finest space-house in Orbit City with the view of the Milky Way, man will always be territorial creatures and we will always want the best. This instinctive drive that men have to buy the nicest, biggest, most ornate shelter possible is the real cause of the housing market crash. We certainly don't cognitively think that buying a bigger house will make up for our short comings. But then again, we don't always think with our heads now do we? (I'm trying to make a penis innuendo). So, we continue to buy houses we can't afford in neighborhoods we don't even like with rooms for kids we don't even want all to impress women we'll always resent.
Now, in an effort to point my gender in the right direction and change the course of MANkind, I purchased a house that I can afford, without the help or encouragement of a woman. (Ok, except for plenty of help from my mommy with all her advice and help with my credit, thanks mommy!). So when I turned that key for the first time, I knew that I had accomplished something every man dreams about. I stormed through that front door, ripped off my shirt, pounded my fists against my weak, hairless chest and howled at the light fixtures!
As my moment of wild triumph faded and my bare chest became riddled with goosebumps, I collected myself, put back on my Chuck Norris T-shirt (again, thanks mommy), and began to think about the next step. I was able to move all of my worldly belongings in with just one trip, leaving the house as stark and cold as Ford Field during the playoffs. It needed to be decorated and without the help of a wife or girlfriend, I was forced to attempt this task alone. Here are the steps I've followed so far to make my house one giant man paradise: (not a paradise for giant men, giant describes the paradise).
Step 1: Prioritize. This is where single men have an advantage over you married guys. Curtains are not a priority. Curtains don't even serve a purpose. If I'm going to spend $500 to decorate my windows, I'd prefer a neon "LIVE NUDES" sign. That way, the world knows that I'm not gay even though I live alone with my adorable weiner dog. I also think it would drastically increase the number of beautiful women that stop by without clothes on. That number's currently at zero so a neon invitation could only help.
After women have their curtains picked out, they need to paint the walls so all the colors match. My thought is, why paint walls that already have paint on them? Who cares if the person that owned the house before you loved pea-green and plum-purple? If I want to spend money to make the walls look better, I'll buy more Frank Thomas and Brooke Burke posters. Obviously I need as many pictures of sports figures before they got fat and celebrity women before they had c section scars as I can so that my buddies and I can pretend we're still in college until we're 50! I mean, what's life without being able to drink too many beers, repeat the same Dumb and Dumber quotes over and over, talk about sports we were never even good at, and pass out on bathroom floors?
Step 2: Create your floor plan. Knowing how you intend to use each room is key for being completely satisfied with the end result. The number of rooms and amount of space you have will dictate how much variety and flexibility you will have. For example, if you only have 1 bedroom and a small living room, you'll have to live with the standard things: couch, tv, bed. However, if you've got multiple unused rooms or additional space, you can get creative.
Here's an example that might help you think outside the box: My house has 2 unused bedrooms, a living room, family room, and a garage. This allows me 5 rooms or areas to use however I want. I've chosen the following 5 options: A drinking room/bar, a home entertainment room, a petting zoo with a Brazilian theme, an amusement park room (the rides resemble those of Cedar Point but there are no fat guys walking around with their shirts off), and a room dedicated to the memory of the late Princess Diana.
Step 3: Invite your friends over. This is obviously the most difficult step because if you bought a house by yourself, are not married, and don't have a girlfriend, you probably don't have many friends either. But hey, at least you can read Diana: Story of a Princess by Tim Clayton over and over again without anyone bothering you!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
How to find the right home
Before finding the "perfect" house, I searched on and off for about 3 years in different areas. As it turns out, I wasn't financially ready to buy anyway so it didn't make much difference. However, I'm glad I took the time to look at everything and anything available because it made me aware of how many garbage houses there are here in Michigan. Sure you can pick up a house for $10k right now given the market, but trust me, I've seen them and you'd be better off spending that $10k to buy your very own WNBA team. They would look about as ugly but at least most of those ladies wouldn't smell like cat urine. Most..
Step 1: Get a good realtor! If you're like me, you know nothing about anything so why try to do this on your own??
How to recognize a GREAT realtor: He or she will show you house after crappy little house in whatever measly price range you can afford without trying to push the sale on any of them. If you're in the Grand Rapids area, Dave Deverman is the best there is. I put this guy through the ringer and he never once showed me a house that was too expensive for me or that I didn't ask to see. Looking at houses is very exciting and I was like a puppy with a hard-on at every single one we went to. The cracked walls, flooded basements, terrifying neighborhoods, moldy ceilings, and termite tunnels all "added character" in my eyes. Thanks be to Dave, Amen, and Amen...
Caution: Beware of short sales! Everyone out there is looking for the deal of the century. We hear tales of million dollar homes selling for $5,000 at auction. In my experiences, these "deals" are frustrating and rarely pan out. I found a house in the neighborhood I wanted listed at a great price, but it was a short sale. If you're unfamiliar with a short sale, here is my understanding of what it means:
Short Sale: The owner of the home is no longer able to make mortgage payments and is on the fast track to foreclosure. As a last-ditch effort, they list the house for less money than what they currently owe the bank. When a buyer steps in and makes an offer, the seller will accept it but then it is up to the bank to approve the sale and accept less money than what the house is worth. In a logical person's mind, it makes sense for the bank to take less money on the house than to take no money and go to foreclosure. However, there are no logical people working at any banks in the United States. I heard a rumor of one working at the International Bank of Puerto Rico which is technically part of the U.S. but I'm sure the rumors aren't true.
So, Dave and I put in an offer on said short sale. Then we waited. And waited. And waited... After 6 months of nothing, we finally heard back from the bank who wanted $8k more than my original offer. So, I declined and now I know two things in this life for certain: 1. Never get caught in a short sale, and 2. you can lick a 9-volt battery but licking a car battery is not recommended.
Step 2: Get pre-approved for your mortgage and stick to a price range you know you can afford. There are plenty of lenders out there that will approve you for way more than you're comfortable with so make sure you trust whoever you're working with and keep your search within your means.
Again, if you're in Grand Rapids, Bob Hein with Priority Mortgage is another super-hero in the housing game. I have never had a credit card, student loan, auto loan, or any other type of debt that might give me a glimpse of a credit score yet Bob was able to get me approved for my mortgage. The man works miracles and now I have a mortgage with a very low interest rate and I am comfortably able to make my payment each month. He is the MacGyver of mortgage lending.
Step 3: Buy the first house you see within your price range. Ok, maybe not, but if you find a house that is a good price, in a good neighborhood, and has all the features you're looking for, why not make the leap? Don't drag your feet waiting for that "you'll just know" moment. There is no perfect house and no one is going to tell you which one is right. Like Nike used to say, "Just Do It, Ya Wuss".
Step 4: Pay for a good inspection and be there for it! Having paid for 2 good inspections in the last 6 months I can make another recommendation for the Grand Rapids area. HouseMasters does very detailed work and send very knowledgeable people to perform their inspections. I learned more in those 3 hours listening to the inspector than I learned in 4 years of college. I suppose it's easy to beat learning how to drink 5 beers at once out of a frisbee though. I had a wonderful professor, thanks Paul!
Step 5: Sign your life away. It took me 4 hours to sign all those papers on the day of the closing, mostly because I wet my pants twice out of pure terror. It's not that I was scared of the payments or that the house wasn't in good shape because I had gone through the right steps to ensure those things would be ok. What scared me was the thought of me being responsible for something like this. The first thing my friend Mike said to me when I showed him pictures of the house was, "that's way too nice of a house for you, you're going to f#@* it up!" He might be right... One time my friend Tom left me to care for his pet mice. While he was away, the two mice produced 8 more mice, then those mice produced5-9 more each. Only about 6 of them survived because the others were so inbred that they would shake violently and die within their first 2 days. Tom didn't tell me much about how to prevent this, I just figured that since they were brother and sister, they wouldn't do... THAT to each other! Anyway, long story short, I'm not good at taking care of things, living or not.
Step 6: The adventure begins...
Step 1: Get a good realtor! If you're like me, you know nothing about anything so why try to do this on your own??
How to recognize a GREAT realtor: He or she will show you house after crappy little house in whatever measly price range you can afford without trying to push the sale on any of them. If you're in the Grand Rapids area, Dave Deverman is the best there is. I put this guy through the ringer and he never once showed me a house that was too expensive for me or that I didn't ask to see. Looking at houses is very exciting and I was like a puppy with a hard-on at every single one we went to. The cracked walls, flooded basements, terrifying neighborhoods, moldy ceilings, and termite tunnels all "added character" in my eyes. Thanks be to Dave, Amen, and Amen...
Caution: Beware of short sales! Everyone out there is looking for the deal of the century. We hear tales of million dollar homes selling for $5,000 at auction. In my experiences, these "deals" are frustrating and rarely pan out. I found a house in the neighborhood I wanted listed at a great price, but it was a short sale. If you're unfamiliar with a short sale, here is my understanding of what it means:
Short Sale: The owner of the home is no longer able to make mortgage payments and is on the fast track to foreclosure. As a last-ditch effort, they list the house for less money than what they currently owe the bank. When a buyer steps in and makes an offer, the seller will accept it but then it is up to the bank to approve the sale and accept less money than what the house is worth. In a logical person's mind, it makes sense for the bank to take less money on the house than to take no money and go to foreclosure. However, there are no logical people working at any banks in the United States. I heard a rumor of one working at the International Bank of Puerto Rico which is technically part of the U.S. but I'm sure the rumors aren't true.
So, Dave and I put in an offer on said short sale. Then we waited. And waited. And waited... After 6 months of nothing, we finally heard back from the bank who wanted $8k more than my original offer. So, I declined and now I know two things in this life for certain: 1. Never get caught in a short sale, and 2. you can lick a 9-volt battery but licking a car battery is not recommended.
Step 2: Get pre-approved for your mortgage and stick to a price range you know you can afford. There are plenty of lenders out there that will approve you for way more than you're comfortable with so make sure you trust whoever you're working with and keep your search within your means.
Again, if you're in Grand Rapids, Bob Hein with Priority Mortgage is another super-hero in the housing game. I have never had a credit card, student loan, auto loan, or any other type of debt that might give me a glimpse of a credit score yet Bob was able to get me approved for my mortgage. The man works miracles and now I have a mortgage with a very low interest rate and I am comfortably able to make my payment each month. He is the MacGyver of mortgage lending.
Step 3: Buy the first house you see within your price range. Ok, maybe not, but if you find a house that is a good price, in a good neighborhood, and has all the features you're looking for, why not make the leap? Don't drag your feet waiting for that "you'll just know" moment. There is no perfect house and no one is going to tell you which one is right. Like Nike used to say, "Just Do It, Ya Wuss".
Step 4: Pay for a good inspection and be there for it! Having paid for 2 good inspections in the last 6 months I can make another recommendation for the Grand Rapids area. HouseMasters does very detailed work and send very knowledgeable people to perform their inspections. I learned more in those 3 hours listening to the inspector than I learned in 4 years of college. I suppose it's easy to beat learning how to drink 5 beers at once out of a frisbee though. I had a wonderful professor, thanks Paul!
Step 5: Sign your life away. It took me 4 hours to sign all those papers on the day of the closing, mostly because I wet my pants twice out of pure terror. It's not that I was scared of the payments or that the house wasn't in good shape because I had gone through the right steps to ensure those things would be ok. What scared me was the thought of me being responsible for something like this. The first thing my friend Mike said to me when I showed him pictures of the house was, "that's way too nice of a house for you, you're going to f#@* it up!" He might be right... One time my friend Tom left me to care for his pet mice. While he was away, the two mice produced 8 more mice, then those mice produced5-9 more each. Only about 6 of them survived because the others were so inbred that they would shake violently and die within their first 2 days. Tom didn't tell me much about how to prevent this, I just figured that since they were brother and sister, they wouldn't do... THAT to each other! Anyway, long story short, I'm not good at taking care of things, living or not.
Step 6: The adventure begins...
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