How to decorate like a MAN

From the first neanderthal that peed in the corner of the rockiest cave to proclaim it his own, to George Jetson buying his family the finest space-house in Orbit City with the view of the Milky Way, man will always be territorial creatures and we will always want the best. This instinctive drive that men have to buy the nicest, biggest, most ornate shelter possible is the real cause of the housing market crash. We certainly don't cognitively think that buying a bigger house will make up for our short comings. But then again, we don't always think with our heads now do we? (I'm trying to make a penis innuendo). So, we continue to buy houses we can't afford in neighborhoods we don't even like with rooms for kids we don't even want all to impress women we'll always resent.

Now, in an effort to point my gender in the right direction and change the course of MANkind, I purchased a house that I can afford, without the help or encouragement of a woman. (Ok, except for plenty of help from my mommy with all her advice and help with my credit, thanks mommy!). So when I turned that key for the first time, I knew that I had accomplished something every man dreams about. I stormed through that front door, ripped off my shirt, pounded my fists against my weak, hairless chest and howled at the light fixtures!

As my moment of wild triumph faded and my bare chest became riddled with goosebumps, I collected myself, put back on my Chuck Norris T-shirt (again, thanks mommy), and began to think about the next step. I was able to move all of my worldly belongings in with just one trip, leaving the house as stark and cold as Ford Field during the playoffs. It needed to be decorated and without the help of a wife or girlfriend, I was forced to attempt this task alone. Here are the steps I've followed so far to make my house one giant man paradise: (not a paradise for giant men, giant describes the paradise).

Step 1: Prioritize. This is where single men have an advantage over you married guys. Curtains are not a priority. Curtains don't even serve a purpose. If I'm going to spend $500 to decorate my windows, I'd prefer a neon "LIVE NUDES" sign. That way, the world knows that I'm not gay even though I live alone with my adorable weiner dog. I also think it would drastically increase the number of beautiful women that stop by without clothes on. That number's currently at zero so a neon invitation could only help.

After women have their curtains picked out, they need to paint the walls so all the colors match. My thought is, why paint walls that already have paint on them? Who cares if the person that owned the house before you loved pea-green and plum-purple? If I want to spend money to make the walls look better, I'll buy more Frank Thomas and Brooke Burke posters. Obviously I need as many pictures of sports figures before they got fat and celebrity women before they had c section scars as I can so that my buddies and I can pretend we're still in college until we're 50! I mean, what's life without being able to drink too many beers, repeat the same Dumb and Dumber quotes over and over, talk about sports we were never even good at, and pass out on bathroom floors?

Step 2: Create your floor plan. Knowing how you intend to use each room is key for being completely satisfied with the end result. The number of rooms and amount of space you have will dictate how much variety and flexibility you will have. For example, if you only have 1 bedroom and a small living room, you'll have to live with the standard things: couch, tv, bed. However, if you've got multiple unused rooms or additional space, you can get creative.

Here's an example that might help you think outside the box: My house has 2 unused bedrooms, a living room, family room, and a garage. This allows me 5 rooms or areas to use however I want. I've chosen the following 5 options: A drinking room/bar, a home entertainment room, a petting zoo with a Brazilian theme, an amusement park room (the rides resemble those of Cedar Point but there are no fat guys walking around with their shirts off), and a room dedicated to the memory of the late Princess Diana.

Step 3: Invite your friends over. This is obviously the most difficult step because if you bought a house by yourself, are not married, and don't have a girlfriend, you probably don't have many friends either. But hey, at least you can read Diana: Story of a Princess by Tim Clayton over and over again without anyone bothering you!